Band of Ballers – The Basketball Blog for Hoops Junkies

Lebron James

So the dust has settled and Lebron James, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade are ‘taking their talents’ to (or in Wade’s case, remaining in) South Beach and the Miami Heat. Talking heads everywhere are sounding off on Lebron. Cleveland is beyond crushed. I’ve never been there before but I imagine the entire Northeast Ohio area now looking like nothing short of a Mad Max like post-apocalyptic wasteland.  This NBA season will feature the first time in my short lifetime that I’ve felt an American athlete might have to fear fans for his life when Lebron heads to Cleveland wearing his shiny new #6 Heat uniform. It’s comparable to the way South Americans feel about their soccer heroes after a failure of epic proportions. So as I was glued to the TV for the last week or so, gobbling every Ric Bucher, Chris Broussard and Mark Stein ‘report’ for nuggets of information that would dictate the NBA balances of power for at least the next 5 years (and probably longer), the following conversation takes place in my house:

My Wife: Why’s everyone so mad at Lebron James for going to Miami??
Me: Well it’s not only that he went to Miami, it’s how he did it.
Wife: What do you mean? Did he lie about where he was going to go?
Me: uhm…no, not reall-
Wife: Did he break a contract?
Me: no….it’s just tha-
Wife: Where would you rather go Miami or Cleveland??
Me [irritated, eyes closed, shaking head]: You don’t get it. How can I explain….

Let’s say you’re a run of the mill, pimple faced boy in junior high. You’re pretty average. You meet a girl who sees something special in you. Let’s call this girl Khloe. Khloe’s not a 10. In fact, She isn’t even a 7. At her best she could sniff a 6.5 but Khloe isn’t at her best every day. The biggest things Khloe has going for her is that she loves you with all her heart and see’s more in you than you see in yourself. Because of Khloe’s undying love for you (and your lack of options), you in turn, fall in love with Khloe. Because you’re only a 5 yourself you actually feel somewhat fortunate to have scored a girl who’s your equal.

Khloe

The years go by, and your acne starts clearing up. The ladies start to notice. By your freshman year in high school you can date almost any girl in school but you now love Khloe more than ever. You’re oblivious to other girls. By your senior year you’re a bonafide stud and any girl at your school would call herself lucky to be your girlfriend. In the waaaay back of your mind, you know you can do better  but you are loyal to Khloe. You are loyal to the one who was loyal to you. Everyone admires your loyalty. Even the girls who are constantly running mad game at you can respect someone with such noble virtues. Khloe takes notice of the attention and counts her lucky stars to have put all her eggs in one basket and have it pay off.  As a result, you now have the love of everyone in school, not only for being talented, attractive and smart but for handling all these talents and gifts with the grace and humility that most could not dream of.

High school ends. Khloe and you get married. You have kids. You start your own business which everyone predicts will be a great success because you have all the tools to make it successful. You prove them correct. In fact your business is successful beyond anyone’s wildest imagination. Now not only are you good looking, personable and humble but you’re now loaded as well. Khloe on the other hand while  happy, is beginning to get a little insecure about her relationship with you. A little back story on Khloe;  Khloe’s father died when she was young and her mother is a raging alcoholic all of which have left her with abandonment issues. Her life had been one train wreck after another. Until she met you that is. You’re her knight in shining armor. Now suddenly you’re surrounded by people who are much smarter than she is, women who are much prettier and truth be told, you’ve outgrown Khloe and she knows it. You could have not only any woman in town but within a 100 mile radius and this eats at Khloe. Khloe starts to act out of insecurity and get’s into shape, loses 15 pounds and starts going to college so she can hang with all your buddy’s intellectual wives when they come over for dinner.  You, on the other hand see this as somewhat pathetic and desperate. What reason have you ever given her to feel this way? None!

Years go by, your success grows and you start to hear people whisper ‘why’s he with her???’ everywhere you go together. You start to ask yourself this same question. This is only made worse by the fact that Khloe now gets botox done weekly, is on Prozac at all times and is psychotically hounding you, checking your text messages, reading into everything you’re saying and constantly asking you to tell her you love her. You’ve now achieved almost everything you’ve ever wanted but count yourself as an unhappily married man. You make up your mind you owe it to yourself to ‘see what’s out there’ and evaluate all your options in order to make a decision on your relationship with Khloe.

So after you spend some time looking around and checking things out, you narrow your big decision down to four different women. They are as follows:

Jessica 

The New York Knicks

Jessica is an understated yet sophisticated, beautiful woman. She’s definitely a solid 9 at this point but with a little effort she could easily be a 10 in a room full of 10s. She’s achieved enough success in life that she certainly doesn’t need you but together you two could go down as the ultimate ‘it’ couple. Her only knock is she too has been a little down on her luck and has been with some really douche baggy type guys for the past few years that has put her in somewhat of a desperate state of mind. There is  however no disputing that you and Jessica could very well conquer the world together with a break here or there.

Jennifer

The Chicago Bulls

The next girl is Jennifer. She’s a few years older than you and has more experience but other than that she is very similar to Jessica. She’s also beautiful, sophisticated and successful. Jennifer though single now, is very well established professionally and personally and is not desperate at all. In fact, Jennifer was married to, without question, the most successful man on the planet for years. Although they’re no longer together, it would be impossible to expect to achieve the same level of success and even if you did, it would be equally impossible to win Jennifer’s heart in the same manner that her ex did. It’s just not going to happen. The cool part is that she understands no one can stack up to her ex and she’s accepted that she needs to let go of the past. All that being said, Jennifer is a finished product and would be the best compliment to you right now but her ceiling isn’t quite as high as Jessica’s.

Eva 

The Miami Heat

Last of the new girls is Eva. Eva’s a bit of a train wreck. So much so, that while this whole shopping around thing is an insult to Kloe, the fact that you could even consider leaving Khloe for Eva is a slap in the face to everyone who knows you because she’s the complete opposite of everything you’ve been about up until this point. You’re classy, she’s trashy. You’re humble, she’s obnoxious. You’re all about character and Eva has none. You’re modest and she, admittedly, is a bit of a slut. Eva can’t sniff the sophistication of Jessica or Jennifer but she’s with out a doubt the sexiest pick. She has fake boobs, hair extensions, and she’s from south America and barely speaks English. She’ll more than likely leave you if you ever get fat or lose your money. But, the short lived time you spend with her could also make your head spin around your head exorcist-style and in case you were wondering, that’s definitely a good thing.

So here we have Jessica with her potential, Jennifer who’s ready to be your dream wife now and Eva with enough sex appeal to make a porn star blush. Let’s not forget Khloe who during your travels, who besides being the mother of your children has gotten into half decent shape. She’s lost 15 pounds, been dieting and tanning and actually is a fairly attractive woman. She’s been with you from day one and she’s believed in you since well before you believed in yourself. That still counts for something right?

No matter what, if you pick any of these women over Khloe, she’s going to be crushed. But each woman will represent a different level of crushedness if you will. If you pick Jessica or Jennifer, nobody would like it but everybody would understand. Yes, your family and friends would chastise you for a few months but deep down, they know Khloe is tough to live with and, you reason, they would definitely have done the same thing a long time ago.  Hell, even Khloe would get it deep down. She knows she’s holding you back and as pissed as she would be for the first couple of years, she would eventually be happy to see you achieve what you’re capable of because at the end of the day, Khloe loves you and wants what’s best for you.

Now Eva on the other hand…you leaving Khloe for Eva would be the ultimate slap because of all the things that you’ve been telling Khloe aren’t important to you (i.e. looks and a killer body) Eva embodies these shallow qualities and offers not much else of substance. You being with Eva would mean your a fraud on some level and that all this talk about ‘it’s what’s inside that counts’ was all B.S. To top it off you and everyone else know that Eva would leave you in heartbeat if someone more attractive or more successful came along. You couldn’t get anyone who knows you to co-sign this move, ever. Again, it’s just a bad idea that Eva is even part of the conversation.

So by now, everyone close to you knows you’re weighing your options. Some are offended, some say ‘more power to him’. Everyone, including Jennifer, Jessica, Eva and Khloe, know that The Decision is coming soon. You decide that since this whole thing is so public, you might as well get everything out in the open and make a public decision during a huge dinner party not too far from where Jessica lives. This pisses off all the girls but at the end of the day, what matters most to them is being chosen. Jessica is hopeful but realistic. Jennifer isn’t too worried, either way she’ll have options. Khloe is a bit concerned but has convinced herself that her loyalty to you will ultimately win you over and that your marriage will be even stronger than before after this whole charade. Eva, on the other hand is downright smug. It’s like she knows something that no one else does.

So the big day arrives and all your friends and family show up hoping you do the right thing and stay with your wife and kids. Eva and Khloe both arrive around the same time. You get a text shortly before the Dinner starts that Jennifer and Jessica are canceling. Turns out Jennifer met a guy and Jessica sort of knows she’s not the pick. So suddenly it’s down to Eva and Khloe. Everyone is nervous as you stand up and declare “this is difficult, but I’m going to be leaving Khloe for Eva”. Khloe instantly falls to her knees and weeps like a child. Your kids, who are in attendance, start to throw family pictures in the fire. This makes you tear up for a moment until you tell yourself, ‘hey, you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs” and you coldly tell them your sorry for the way things ended and in the same breath begin to make out with Eva in front of the dinner party.

Wife: So Khloe’s like the Cavaliers?
Me: Yep.
Wife [piecing it all together, eyes darting back and forth]: hrrmm…and Jessica and Jennifer are?
Me: The Knicks and The Bulls.
Wife: Oh….I see…..
Wife [now scowling]: ….Lebron is a Punk!!
Me [relieved]: Exactly.